Monday, May 30, 2011

Girlside Assistance

A few nights ago, some friends and I were the recipients of roadside assistance. The young man in his safety vest and utility belt with a flashlight dangling from it made the job look appealing. While I'm fairly handy around my house and I've helped to build a house, providing roadside assistance may not be the right job for me. (Let's be honest: changing a flat tire poses a serious risk to my nails.) After thinking long and hard about what kind of assistance I could provide, I decided to help out guys with some girlside assistance.

If you're a guy who is about to embark on a date, keep the following tips in mind:
  1. Don't kiss a girl on the first date. A first date never goes as well as you think it does. If on the off-chance, it IS going really well, you'll know. If you're not sure, it's not going well enough for a kiss. I don't care what you've seen on TV or in movies and unless you are both standing in Europe or one of you is of recent European descent/arrival, don't try to say it's a "European thing."
  2. Don't touch a girl's hair or face without her permission. You might be able to get away with this during a moment of intimacy, but anything short of that, you better be really sure she's into you, because your premature transgression will be neither forgiven nor forgotten easily.
  3. Don't try to convince a girl that your past army training gave you a deadly pinky. The only thing deadly about your pinky is the ring you're probably wearing on it and for the record, no former army member would wear red pants, a plaid shirt and a white blazer.
  4. Don't mention how your alma mater beat her alma mater in a bowl game. And if you do, understand that just because her alma mater was allegedly the best team that season, no one thinks your alma mater was the best for beating them. It doesn't work that way.
  5. Don't forget a girl's name 20 minutes into a conversation with her. It makes you look dopey and it pisses her off.
  6. Don't date a girl if you're gay. The only acceptable dates would be shopping and dancing. In that case, "date" her all you want.
  7. Don't alternate between making eye contact and looking at her chest. Really? I can't believe I had to add this one. If you can't be smooth about looking at her chest, there will be no all-access pass to it in your future.
Remember: "Dead men tell no tales," but women tell each other everything.

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